Why am I the way that I am?
by Ronda Nelson
I have this feeling inside me that makes me want to die. I push people away when I want to pull them in. I fight so hard not to feel how I feel. I just don't know how to stop. Why can't I just not be me?
I hate me. I hate how I can't control my feelings. I can't just let go or push it aside. My feelings consume me. They control everything I do. It's like a tidal wave. It wraps around me and pulls me under. The more I fight to get free the deeper it pulls me down. Choking me till I can't breathe.
I just want to breathe in the water so it can all be over. I want to make it all go away. I hate the fact that I hurt everyone around me. I don't know how they can stand me. I wish I could be the person they deserve. But I am far from. I am so damaged it shows on my face. My f#&@ed up skin is like a mask I can't escape.
I feel so far from being the person that I am. I wish I could be who I would have been if I didn't have so much trauma. All the hurt has scared me.like a person who has been burnt in a fire. So many scars they don't even look the same. I will never be the person I was meant to be. the scares hide the real me.