Should I still be alive

by Marisol Almendarez
(Illinois)

My days are always ashy grey, the nights are too.
As long as I lay down and stare at my wall, all I see is the disappointment and what shame I brought to my family.

I cry myself to sleep mostly all the time. Then daylight comes and here comes boredom and shamefulness to come after me.

After a long day I lay down in bed to get all the pressure off my chest then run in my cabinet and hide there until tomorrow.

As I lay down, I wonder if tomorrow will be better and I say to myself "yes It will" but I know it will not. So I just lay there and think of all the shitty things that I did in my life. Then I go to the washroom and I look in the mirror and all I see is frustration, sadness and disappointment.

I look at my wrists and I see my Low self-esteem. I go get a knife and cut more and more until I get tired of cutting. Then I put the knife up to my neck look in the mirror and just cry.

I put the knife down, sit in the corner and then lock myself in the bathroom and cry until my eyes are dry. Then I look up and down at myself in the mirror and think about what other kids said about me. I think "should I do my eyebrows", "should I kill myself", "should I starve myself so I could be attractive?" .....

I don't what to do.