Should I still be alive

by Marisol Almendarez
(Illinois)

My days are always ashy grey, the nights are too.
As long as I lay down and stare at my wall, all I see is the disappointment and what shame I brought to my family.

I cry myself to sleep mostly all the time. Then daylight comes and here comes boredom and shamefulness to come after me.

After a long day I lay down in bed to get all the pressure off my chest then run in my cabinet and hide there until tomorrow.

As I lay down, I wonder if tomorrow will be better and I say to myself "yes It will" but I know it will not. So I just lay there and think of all the shitty things that I did in my life. Then I go to the washroom and I look in the mirror and all I see is frustration, sadness and disappointment.

I look at my wrists and I see my Low self-esteem. I go get a knife and cut more and more until I get tired of cutting. Then I put the knife up to my neck look in the mirror and just cry.

I put the knife down, sit in the corner and then lock myself in the bathroom and cry until my eyes are dry. Then I look up and down at myself in the mirror and think about what other kids said about me. I think "should I do my eyebrows", "should I kill myself", "should I starve myself so I could be attractive?" .....

I don't what to do.

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Jun 08, 2018
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by: Dana

I don't know if you will see my comments, Marisol, but my heart goes out to you! I can feel so much pain in what you wrote. I feel your sense of desperation, frustration and confusion!

I am heartbroken to read that you feel you have brought shame to your family. That guilt you feel has overwhelmed your soul and your sense of how amazing you really are.

We all do things we regret. And while they may not forgive you, it is so important that you forgive yourself. Don't stay small because they won't forgive you. Or because you feel guilty!

You have so much life ahead of you. I hope that you can love yourself enough to go get the help that you need to heal from all that haunts you right now because if you don't, they win!

Send you unlimited amount of loving energy,

Dana

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