I Feel It

by Shanique Wallace
(Toronto, Ontario, Canada)

The feelings.

Oh I wish they would come back to me again.
The feelings I would feel as a child.
Running around with my brother and the other children at the babysitters.
The feelings.
The expressions.
I'm disconnected now.
From them, from you, from my hopes and dreams.
I'm sad and it drags me down to the point where I consider doing something seriously crazy.
But I don't.
Because although I am anxious and depressed,
I have to do well.
My mother wouldn't want me to be sad and down.
My grandmother wouldn't want to see me sick and unwell.
My teachers wouldn't want to see me in a news report on those who have passed this week.
I want to keep moving although I feel sad and anxious.
I want to prove myself wrong.
keep out all this sadness and bring in positivity.
I hurt every.single.day.
Don't get me wrong.
But I don't want today to be the way in which I leave this earth.
I want to keep trying.
I will never give up.
Depression doesn't define me entirely.
I define my depression.
But not for long.