I am the reason they died.
My sister died when we were little. When I was a child my biological father hated us. One day he slapped my brother, so I intervened. I made a deal with him that he could do anything with me as long as he didn't touch my brother, and my brother wouldn't see. In the end he agreed.
The next day we saw him, he sent my brother to the washroom, and he choked me, I believe I lost consciousness. The last thing I remember was everything going black, while I tried to call my mom and brothers name. This continued to happen until my mom got full custody of us.
Two years later, at school I met a girl who was getting kicked around by kids just like they did to me. So I went and told her to go to the washroom and wash up. While she left I told the kids not to pick on her since she was new, and I would take it instead of her, since by then I was already used to it.
That day I got stitches on my head and was bruised everywhere, and whenever I tried to move I was sore. After that saon started talking to me, I was happy, I thought it was worth it. We became friends.
One day the kids went to far and took a stick and stabbed it on my waist to try and see if it would go through and it did. I started to bleed a lot, but the kids ran away. But saon came and ripped of the lace off her dress, and covered the wound. She was the first person I told about my past and she did the same. Though a year later, on my 7th birthday, the police came and asked me about her when I asked why, they told me she committed suicide, on my birthday. One year after that her mom also committed suicide.
Why did she leave me. Is it gods way of saying I am meant to be alone?
Oh my, you wonderful soul! You were exposed to so much abuse. That alone is enough to cause you so much pain and confusion. The fact it was so early in your life makes it even worse!
While I can sense your pain, know that what I also see is someone who is deeply caring, compassionate and courageous! You clearly have a huge heart and you are very strong.
It's important to
know that you are not responsible for choices that other people make or actions that other people take. None of this is your fault!
You were a blessing to your friend. She was lucky to have you in her life. You came together when you both need it the most. However, sometimes depression can have such a tight grip that even the closest friend can't pull you out of it.
It is crucial that you allow yourself to grieve the loss of your friend, send her light and love and forgive her for leaving you. Know that her soul lives on and that she is most likely watching over you.
Also, know that God does NOT want you to be alone. He gave you these amazing gifts that you can embrace and use in service of others. You can be a role model - a leader - a beacon of light for others that have or are experiencing abuse.
With that said, I want to encourage you to learn to define boundaries. There is a way to stand up for someone experiencing abuse without making yourself the victim. By treating yourself with respect, and demanding the same from others, you can maintain boundaries that can protect you from any further abuse.
I don't know how old you are but I am wondering if you have ever seen anyone about everything that you've gone through? For you to live a happy, fulfilling life, it will be really important for you to find some profession help and support - someone that can join you in your journey towards healing. You will have a lot of pain, rage and sadness to work through but know that there is light on the other side!
You are clearly an amazing, unique soul and God gave you these beautiful gifts for a reason. Surrender to your heart and the Universe and seek your new path! You have so much to offer this world! It is already a better place because you are here. Look how many people you've helped!
If you are looking for support you can call a hotline
as a place to start.
If you are over 18 and you'd like to reach out to me you can schedule a consultation session
with me. During our session, we can talk about the best strategies for you so you can put all of this behind you, put your gifts to good use and live an amazingly fulfilling life!
With Light and Love,