A 12 Year Old's Depression
by Georgia Matsell
Before I found out I didn't know why I felt so sad all the time,
I didn't feel alone, even when isolated on an island blackened with misery,
I didn't know why I couldn't sleep, yet I dreaded getting up in the morning
I didn't understand why I was never excited, always sat in front of a TV
I didn't mean to push my family and my friends away,
I didn't want to feel this way,
It felt like everyone was judging, that no one understood,
It felt like there was no hope, no future and no dreams to reach for,
It felt like I was stuck in a ditch that I could never crawl my way out of,
It felt like no one cared, why would anyone?
It felt like I was a droplet among rays of sunshine,
It felt like there was a defective armour around my heart, blocking out rays of joy and welcomin shards of icy sorrow
If you looked at me a few months ago, you wouldn't see this girl,
You wouldn't see someone shattered and empty,
You wouldn't see a girl with eyes hollow and dulled,
You wouldn't see a girl who plasters on a smile, hoping no one sees her withering heart,
You wouldn't see a broken heart, with shards of ice wrapped around it.
A few months ago I didn't break the rules in school,
A few months I wasn't always leaving my homework in the printer,
A few months ago I wasn't dreading the morning,
A few months ago, I didn't cry in the school toilets
A few months ago, my teachers liked me
A few months ago, I looked forward to going out,
A few months ago I loved badminton,
A few months ago I was bouncing around
A few months ago I felt confident,
A few months I felt loved,
A few months ago I enjoyed myself
I don't expect you to understand why my heart drops when I see someone smile,
I don't expect you to get why I'm drifting away from my loved ones
Nobody gets it until they feel it,
The feeling that your shoulders have a ton of bricks on them,
The shattering pain inside,
The need to pretend it's okay
But I know's it not
It's not normal to think about dying,
It's not normal to cry myself to sleep,
It's not normal to be surrounded with loved ones yet feel isolated,
It's not normal to need therapy,
It's not normal to watch the clock as the minuites go bye,
It's not normal to be twelve years old and have depression
Your words touch me and I am sure they will touch my visitors. Especially other young girls out there that are struggling.
It's unfortunate, but more and more people your age are experiencing depression. People are under so mcuh more pressure these days as the world moves faster and faster and we become more addicted to electronics in lieu of a true human connection.
I encourage you to surround yourself with love and support, to seek out support.... I have list of resources that you can take a look at. Some are availalbe in the UK and / or globally. Go to my Depression Hotlines
page. They are not only there to provide support but can also guide you to local resources as well.
God speed, Georgia. My hope for you is that you can get through this, learn to love yourself and begin a journey built of love, joy and happiness.