Depression in denial

by Hannah Boulting
(London)

Its like two symphonies clashing inside my head

It makes you distrustful of your shadow
The pain doesn’t go when you cough or swallow
It makes me hot and tingly
My legs feel like they are shaking to an ibizan beat
I run not for fun but make other parts of body ache
Anything to distract me from my pain
Sometimes it comes out in tears
Other times I laugh and some of that energy slips out
Then I catch myself and realise I am numb
I’m fine as long as no one speaks to me
On the streets my back aches from walking hunched
I hope they aren’t looking at me, don’t give me eye contact I’ll make you sad
I spend a lot of time alone
Trying to heal
Hibernating under the covers
Hoping i’ll emerge from under them from some miraculous healing sleep
The limited perimeters of my life means here’s nothing really making me mad
But I walk around the flat in a huff
Groaning and moaning at my achy heavy limbs
I wish I was thin
Would that make me feel any other way?
It's always something I have chased
It makes you successful and popular just looked at the girls in Dazed
If I was thin, that would be a start
I wouldn’t struggle with what to wear
And end up leaving the house in sweats with unwashed hair
I’d like people to stare
I know it’s not that simple
And it’s a naive idea that started when I was simpler
I need to go back through it all
Dig deep and hit that dark ball inside me of grief, fear and disdain
Flashbacks, hallucinations,nightmares absolute despair
I can’t continue lying to my boyfriend that I’m okay and cured
The harder I try the more I despise the lies I use to prove I’m ok
Stiff upper lip is so shit
When you’re brain is ill
There's not even a pill
That can ease the waves of maleficent unease deep within me.

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