Depression and Anxiety Symptoms:
I think I need help..?
I need help. Sometimes I feel so sad, angry, and happy. I get so mad so fast. I can't control it. At night I cry myself to sleep. I feel like going to therapy isn't enough. I feel like I can't talk to my parents, family, friends. I feel like no one truly wants to help or can help.
I feel like everything thing is crashing down on me and I can't get free. I act happy around my friends and family but on the inside I'm dying. I have thought about running away and cutting myself too many times. I've stared at my razor for a while but decided I couldn't because I was scared what my family would say.
I've talked myself out of running away because I feel like I have to be strong for my family. I'm not strong and I'm breaking under the pressure. I'm already broke. I don't like feeling like this. I want to change but I can't. I am sad, mad, ugly, stupid, useless, broken, and worthless. I hate feeling like this.
Music used to be my escape but it isn't helping anymore. I write poems about death. I had one teacher read a poem of mine and she asked if I was going to kill myself. I don't cut but keep a tight hair tie around my wrists that I snap. I have had friends take away the hair tie because I had my wrists super red and won't stop. It's my way of trying to help myself. I feel like my family doesn't care about me. They always are more worried about my cousins. My therapist has told my parents that she is super worried about my major depression and says that I need meds but my parents refuse to believe her.
I barely passed any of my classes. We are moving soon so I had to stop therapy. Last night, I ran a pair of scissors on my foot and now I have a red, sore spot. I wasn't trying to cut but at the same time I was. I kinda felt...excited about it.
Thank you for reaching out. I read your post several times and it is clear that you are feeling so much pain. While you are clearly depressed, the issue that is the most alarming is your desire to cut yourself. This tells me that you have experienced some trauma in your life and have not been able to deal with it yet.
When people cut themselves it is typically not a suicidal act. Rather,
it is an effort to get some relief from the strong, unbearable emotional pain that they are feeling. On the flip side, in very depressed people, cutting is a way to feel something, anything when they otherwise feel numb and shut down. The pain of cutting helps to make them feel alive again.
It's important to know that you are not alone. Over 2 million Americans resort to cutting or other forms of self-injury to cope with life struggles. Most of them are women between the age of 13 and 30 years old. In many cases, the pain is the result of being physically and/or sexually abused or molested.
Cutting disorders are very serious. Going through something traumatic and bottling it up inside is very dangerous in the long run. It's important to find support so that you can deal with whatever it is that you have experienced. You need someone who can help you understand just how amazing you really are.
I am so proud of you that you have reached out to ask for help. Realizing that you need help is the first step. Getting the help needs to be your next step. I realize you are moving and you are no longer seeing your therapist. That is sad because it sounds like your therapist was doing a great job. I agree that you most likely need to be on meds, at least initially so you can stablize yourself while you work on your deep seated issues.
I have a page on depression hotlines
that you should check out. There are many resources there, not just about depression, but self injury as well as many others.
Also, check out the Self Injury
website. They can help you find local help now and once you move. You should call their hotline as well at 1-800-DONTCUT (1-800-366-8288). I know you're not cutting yet but you are seriously thinking about it. So, get the help now before it gets out of hand.
As a therapist, I can tell you that there is hope. The key is to deal with the traumatic experiences that you have had. With professional help you can face them head on, process them and recover from them. Don't give up on yourself. You sound like an amazing person that deserves to live a happy, fulfilling life. And you will once you get the help you need. It takes courage and self-love to reach out. You clearly have both.
I wish you all the best, Shelby. Stay strong, believe in yourself and know that you will get through this!