Friends For Life
I am a 51 yr old bi male not real sexualy active. I am single. My first experiance was with my best friend at the age of about 12. I assumed it was experimenting but it went on for about 8 years..
As I got older I had more experiments with a few guys now. Fast forward about 20 yrs. I became a homeless drug addict and one day I woke up wondering where I was going to get my next bag.
God stopped me and said I was done. I hopped in the front seat and drove to my moms. From that day on I have been clean. That was 12 years ago.
Unfotunately I work grave yard in a convenient store by myself. I left all my friends behind. They were all drug addicts. After a few years every thing started to get to me. No life, no friends, working nights 5 days a week ... I was getting depressed and mad at God for putting me in a worst situation then what he took me out of.
One night a customer 18 yrs old came and got a pack of cigs and ask me if I wanted to smoke. Hell yeah I jumped at it. We talked for about 30 minutes had a good conversation and he left. I thought that was it. Well the next night he came back same thing. He lived close by and a half hour turned into a hour, then 2 hours, then 4 hours .. just about every night for 3 years we became very close friends.
I never thought I would ever have anything in common with someone so young but he was not what you would think. He was very popular, he was very good looking and had a great personality. Well mannered and very respectful and would do any thing for you and that is what attracted me to him non sexually. He just blew me away how he was at 18 years old.
Well after about 3 years he moved and we still remained very good friends here is where my situation started. A couple years after he moved he came to my place we had few drinks like always. He was 22 by this time. We hqave hung out all night at my place many times before this night. We started talking about any thing and every thing I told him about my past. One thing led to another and we got intimate with each other (edited for graphically explicit ... ) I talked to him first and made sure he wanted to do this. I told him he may feel a little remorse and bad after ... like me and my childhood friend did. But I told him it went away and we did it again the next night and he said yes he wanted to try it for the first time.
Well I'm not going to lie. It was the best sexual experiance of my life with a male or female but it was not worth our friendship. We alway drank alot when we drank and we both could handle our alcohol and this night we only had 2 or 3 drinks so it was not the alcohol that night.
I lost my best friend and what is hard is he won't tell me why he just started treating me differant and not calling me back. I confronted him about it and he said he doesn't have time for me like he did and said he still wanted to be cool but from a distance.
That hurt but what hurt more he let this go on for 6 months and wouldnt tell me. He lied and disrespected me and betrayed me and to this day he wont talk about it and tell me what the reason is.
He says its not because of what happened but I dont beleave him. He wont tell me why and we are basically not friends any more.
How can something so awesome turn out so (messed) up. I am haveing a real hard time with this. We alway talked about us being friends for life.
At the very least you are grieving the loss of a very close friend. If you really care about him, the best thing to do is to send him love and give him his space. Boundaries were crossed which, even if it felt right at the time, could lead to feelings of guilt and shame. Also, with him being so much younger than you, he may also feel like you have taken advantage of him ... even if that is not the case.
When good friends cross boundaries into intimacy, the risks are great as it almost always creates a level of regret and uncomfortableness. This is the same with all relationships ... same sex or not.
I would recommend that you take this time to take care of yourself. There is a grieving process that needs to take place. Treat yourself lovingly, take care of yourself during this time.
Define what you want out of a relationship and put it out to the Universe. Trust that the right, supportive, loving person will come into your life when you are ready to receive again. You can't receive it unless you believe it.
On another note, I want to say how amazing it is that you heard God speak to you and that you were able to take the steps to get clean and change your life the way you did. That takes courage and a great sense of self worth. You are remarkable. Trust that God is still there supporting you even if you can't feel it right now.
I wish you amazing things in 2015! Follow your heart, live in connection to your higherself and let this journey unfold.